Have you ever wondered about the word/behavior "trying?" I have been thinking about that word a bit as of late. I have been trying. I have been trying to want Randy. I don't think that I have been doing so well. I get/feel that Randy really wants me in his life. Low and behold, maybe he has realized how nice he had/has it with me. My wanting Randy has lessened, probably because perhaps it is tied up with the lack of trust I now have in him. I do need Randy. I need to have a place to live, food to eat, and medical insurance, that includes getting the medications I need to take daily. For years he was on my county medical insurance plan, I think it was 18 years. He whines a lot about how much gets taken out of his paycheck for medical insurance. I know for a fact, that I didn't whine. He had a gall bladder attack which ended up getting his gall bladder removed. Though he was hospitalized for over 9 days because first they had to cure his pancreatitis. Yes, people I basically covered those costs, and I wasn't a whiner about that. I also for two months covered all the bills while he was hospitalized, then recovered, and wasn't able to work. OK back to wondering/thinking about why I am not feeling that I want Randy as much anymore. Kind of sad for me. I asked him the other day if he feels that he can rely on me. He said always, never a doubt. I noticed that he didn't ask me back that question. I have also noticed that he seems to not want to know how I feel about such questions, like can I rely on him. My answer to that now would be no. How can you rely on someone when you aren't able to trust them now? So this is where my thoughts and thinking have been lately.

That is about all I have when it comes to thinking about Randy. I have started mowing again for the season. With this hot/humid and some rain going on here, once it dries again I will be mowing. Just add that to my task list. I seem to be busier than usual. This is a good thing for me. Peace.