Where My Head/Heart Is Right Now..... (2012-02-05 - 7:20 a.m.)

Seems like I wrote that purging entry days ago. So I have been doing alot of thinking, not alot of sleeping when most people are sleeping at night. I have listened to my two little doggies sleep is what I do, once I wake up. Sleep is underrated anyway, haha, I am too funny. So anyhoo, this is what and where my head is at currently. There isn't much I can do now expect wait. I know that my son will be low under the radar so to speak. There are circumstances that happen which we have no control over. I wonder why he is kidding himself.

I figure that to help myself, I have to just be here for him, do what I can, etc. I need to be here for his girlfriend also. I will try my darnest to stay busy. Though a person's thoughts and mind still are dwelling. I would have to say I am a dweller and thinker. I circle round the issue/challenge/whatever it is, and ponder for hours things. People who are like me, and do this will get it, and how deeply this goes. I can't let it beat me down. I just have to stop feeling responsible for him, thinking that I raised him wrong. How did this all happen to him. No wonder since being an adult he deals with mood swings, depression, and anger issues. He is fucking depressed about how his life has turned out, he is so angry at himself and his immature choices. That puts it in a nutshell.

So are you wondering what I have been doing since I heard about this. Well let me tell you. Four loads of laundry, one being the sheets and remaking of the bed. Lots of doggie walks. It is soooo icy on the road, so no long walks for me, I can't afford to fall right now. Since it has been warmer out, I have cleaned some of the inside living room windows. I dusted, no shit sherlock, and I will tell you I fucking hate to dust. I have sat still in one place and just let the sadness wash over me for a small bit, and then I blow my nose a few times, and find something else to do. Oh, I showered and washed my hair on Thursday because on Tuesday this coming week, I have a hair coloring appointment. Since there wasn't much time between the shower and hair washing, my skin is suffering now, big time because I am so overly dry. So I spend time, taking off my clothes, to put lotion all over me, sit awhile freezing a bit, then put my clothes on again, go find something else to do. I am making sure I am eating every 4 hours of so, I am charting this, so I don't forget.

Time will tell and now a person just waits. I looked up the first detention center(that is what they call it in K. County,) I wanted to see about the visitation times. Wanted to just see what I could learn. It is better to be prepared. I need to start a written down list, instead of it being in my head. Go to GB, deal with the pets, go to the PO and fill-in forwarding address, which will be me. Get the baby crib over to his girlfriend's parents house for the baby. Get help to take the ratty old couch he has out to the apartment's dumpster. That would be what I need to do right away, I figure within 24 hours. From home, if it is a weekday, I can call my contact at the place I send his rent check to and give her his 30 day notice. I need to talk to her about the security deposit and what needs to be just so, in order to get that back. Then I can call his apartments landlord and let him know. I am working on a list of what to take in order to clean up the place, everything from one of my vaccuum cleaners, and bring my own toilet paper. I tell you, one time when I went there he had no toilet paper, thank heavens I always have two rolls in my car. I am hoping that I can get my son to start trying to find someone to give his two cats a home. It would still be very hard, but alot easier for him to do this, then me to have to take his cats to the animail humane place. So I am back, had to go to the bathroom.

I have asked my husband to look up storage places in GB because he also thinks that we shouldn't bring it here, when we have to do it. I am sure my son is trying to figure out how he can get a loan. My husband said that they(the court) would make an argeement. I don't think so, it has been 8 maybe 9 years now, he hasn't made regular child support payments. I won't get my hopes up. I also think it would be foolish of anyone to give him a loan or co-sign a loan for him. He just wants a quick fix, there isn't a quick fix here. He needs to take ownership of his responsibility to those little girls. I know it takes both to have sex.

So that is where my head is at as of now. I want to thank the people who left me a note, I trully appreciate your kind words. It is tough to know what to write to someone in my situation. It is OK, it is OK to be glad that you aren't having a situation like I(we) my husband and I are. It is OK to be thankful that your life is moving along good. I will be OK by the way. I will continue to let my son know how much he matters to me and that I want the best for him. He just has to grow up sometime soon, haha, another funny here, do men ever really grow up, one can hope.