I keep trying to write in Diaryland daily. It just never gets done. Is it because I have no time. No, that isn't it. I tend to write in my paper journal more, I would say. I grabbed my paper journal and now have it next to me on my right side here on the table. Remember I said that I am going to write about the word TRUST. I have been doing a lot of thinking, and then thinking more and doing a whole lot of writing about TRUST. I also do believe the MINDFULLNESS involves TRUST. So I did some researching. I found this out. There are seven pillars of mindfullness. Here is the list of the seven pillars. 1. non-judging, 2. patience, 3. Beginner's mind, which I wonder, what the fuck is that, 4. TRUST, 5. non-striving, 6. acceptness, and 7. letting go. To me mindfullness has to do with your whole body, mind, and soul. You all know that I am big into having mantras. To be in control is to let go of control. Be at peace within yourself. My latest one is: Love until you trust. You may wonder how has that one been going when being present in the moment with Randy. See the connection now to my pondering on the word trust. I feel that trusting Randy, I need a connection. Since I don't trust Randy, I have to work at feeling a connection with him. It isn't him who has the issue about trust. He has said that he trusts me, he never has ever not trusted me. He would trust me with his life. I used to feel that way. I forgave Randy way back when after he told me his truth. We all know what that was back on Feb. 1st or 2nd, I don't recall the exact date anymore. Remember I strive to live in the moment. In order to heal myself and to let go of how sad, hurt, and betrayed I felt, I forgave him. I won't forget because I learned a life lesson.

The illusion of trust is deceiving. It can pretend to be trust, yet it isn't. Trusting another has to be transparent and honest. I am still thinking about trust often. I will put it away for awhile because I need a break from all this deep thinking. Peace.