Feeling Better These Days..... (2020-05-15 - 5:43 a.m.)

Another week has slowly passed on by. Emotionally I feel that I am doing better with the
passing away of my Little Malcolm. I miss him so, so much. There is an empty void I have been working on filling. I find that if I keep busy doing tasks that my mind is focused on doing the physical task instead of living and being sad in my mind. So I am making progress and trying to only think of all the wonderful times and memories Malcolm and I had. Peace Little Malcolm.

I have started to let people know that would be truly sad to hear that Malcolm has passed away. I also have given away his soft Pet Fresh food to the people who also have a 12 year old doggie. The one owner was so thankful for it. I gave them Malcolm's Rachel Ray soft treats also. The other treats I had I gave to another family who has 3 dogs, and they also appreciated my kindness. I removed all of the dog beds, etc. now too. So I have been taking small steps to help me release and realize that I will not be having any more dogs in my life. I wouldn't do justice to having another dog. In 10 years I would be turning 75 years old. I know that I just couldn't do it. There is Princess Myla kitty cat, who I saved from 4 weeks old. Myla had her spade surgery on Monday of this week. I stopped giving her pain meds yesterday because she was so out of it, and just seemed stoned. Randy said only give her a dose if she seems to have some discomfort and pain. I agreed. Myla is doing fine. Now where they had to shave her must be starting to grow back because she is grooming herself more. So I am spending time distracting her a lot. Fun times I tell you. Everyone knows that a cat will do what they want to when they want to.

Moving on. Let's write about Randy again. He is bugging the heck out of me lately. For the past month and a half, I have been thinking about the words and my feelings about trust and love. I think that in a relationship you learn to trust that person first, then as that grows, and you become more vulnerable you start feeling more than a strong liking of that person, and it begins to blossom into love. So this is my frustration with myself. How can I love Randy when I just can not trust him. Then Randy wants my assurance, comfort, love. He tells me he loves me. He says that so, so much more than he ever did. He said that he never has ever not trusted me. So what happened in December 2019 Randy? Did you stop loving me, and decided to start having sexual relations with your co-worker, Stacey Chapman from work? See I just don't understand. I can not except when he tells me he was just stupid. He made his choice, and followed through with this. He could have talked to me about how he was feeling, did he not trust me enough to talk with me about it? Randy could have said no. Randy could have turned back when he was in route to her house each time. I feel that this is all so sad. Randy is teary eyed and way emotional about all of this. He is even seems even more upset now than I do. I have stopped feeling so sad. I am more sad about Malcolm having passed away. I had nothing to do with his choice, I had nothing to do with whatever was going through his mind because he wasn't talking to me, he was talking with Stacey Chapman. She at times at work has asked him if he is missing her or she will say in passing when she is done with her work shift that she loves him. This woman has been pursuing him since May 2019. Randy only showed response in December 2019. So you can understand perhaps, why I find it hard to believe any words that come out of his mouth. I don't like to be on guard. I am choosing to live in my moments of my life. I will always want to be joyful. Time will tell. I need to think more about all of this. Peace.