Another Double Digit Day.... (2009-12-10 - 4:21 a.m.)

Well happy double digit day to one and all. I have been up since a little after 3 am. I tossed and turned a bit, then the dogs needed to go out in this frigid temperatures.

Update about my son. He lost the case on Court TV as he new he would. They were supposed to do the taping around 1:30pm on Wednesday, but he called and said at 5:45pm that they were way behind. So he calls around 8:30pm and said they were done, he lost, but she didn't get his TV, plus they both signed papers to dismiss the small claims date in Brown County. Good news. He also got a $200.00 stipend for doing this. So his plane goes back to GB at 9:05 pm. I woke up around midnight worrying, see I haven't had a good sleep, and I can't wait to get home tonight and go back to bed. I called him then, he answered, said he didn't want to call because he would wake us up. I asked him to call when he was back home and safe. So remember he got a $200.00 stipend to go on Court TV, well when he got back, since we have had a blizzard in Wisconsin, his car was plowed over more or less at the airport. So he called a cab, now -$20.00, down to $180.00 he has. He has no gloves, so I suggested tripling up on socks to keep his hands warm while shoveling out his car today at the airport. He said that he needs to find a ride back there. There will be a cost for the car being there, Tues., Wed., and whatever part of Thurs. the car remains there. Now I wonder, I sure hope it starts. He said it needs gas, and he needs to pay for his phone minutes, and he needs to get an oil change before he has to go to Kenosha next Thursday for mediation and a parenting class. No I already sent him a $100.00 check to cover the fee for this said mediation, made out to the court and a case file number. So I don't think that the stipend he got will last him very long, and he better get down to Kenosha next Thursday, or there will probably be another state-wide warrent out for him. He said to me, he hopes that there is another snow storm so that it is postponned, I said it would still have to happen, it might as well be next week. I said does your landlord have a day job(I am always thinking of work here) that you could do to make some extra cash for gas.

It is like I get through one thing with him, and then it is on to the next something or other to get through. I am just getting tired of this. I have been putting way too much of myself into this, and it just keeps being the same involvement over and over. We still haven't gotten the title for the car from him. He said he mailed it out a week ago last Monday(we provided the envelope/stamp/& all addressed to us) how the fuck can you screw that up. So that is something else we have to figure out, and I am sure will cost us. It has been 7 and 1/2 years now, with all this going on with my son. I can't wait until he has completed school and he has an associate degree from the tech school. Who knows if something between now and then will happen which will stop that from happening. Sometimes it is so damn hard to keep positive for him, but I do. I can't let him feel my sadness and despair when I talk to him or see him. So on early mornings like this when I can't sleep, my hushand doesn't want to be bothered, it sure helps to just come, sit down, and let it all go. Some days it is just so fucking hard to put on the fake face of being serene and happy. It is better to not let anyone know how hurt you feel. For me most days I can get through. Some days though my heart hurts so bad for what my son has been going through. I know he is responsible for the decisions he has made since he moved out at age 18, but wouldn't you think that things would get better, and that he would be making some more mature decisions. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just get sad is all, and the tears just stream down my face. The coolness is a comfort since I was having such a hot flash going on in bed earlier, I think that is what woke me up to begin with. Then your mind takes over, darn mind.

Being a mom, and trying to be a good mom has been one of the hardest and challenging things I am doing. There has to be some acceptance on my part that I can't make all the bad go away for my son. I just want him to be loved, happy, healthy, safe, content. I could go on and on, but I can't make it happen. I hope on his journey that he finds what he is searching for.

Remember from an earlier writing I said that I wasn't going to write about being cold, well I haven't written about being cold, but this sure sounds like a downer entry, but I needed to get it out. No one told me about all this, no hints, but once in for a penny, in for a pound. Sounds like something my grandmother used to tell me over and over again.