Life Is So Demanding.... (2008-11-08 - 7:23 a.m.)

Gee whiz, where does the time has been two days since I wrote here. The weather changed and we have way colder here and snow now that has stayed on the ground. I had to shovel off the front deck this morning after walking the dogs. When I put the dogs out last night, there was snow that stayed on the deck, and oh my, it was a first for Malcolm. Sadie just, oh well, and goes off the deck and carries on with her business. She wants to get it done and back in. She did what she needed to do, and Malcolm was still, touching with one of his front paws, that white stuff on the deck. I wonder what he was thinking at the time. Do I step on this, do I try and leap over it, how the heck do I get off the deck to the yard, darn I should have been watching what Sadie did and just followed her. Now what do I do? So we move ahead to this morning. There is more snow on the deck, my shovel is in the garage, go figure. We walked, Sadie only went off the blacktop twice, to do her business, and little Malcolm was running through the snow. So he was the wettier of the two. Sadie doesn't waste anytime when it is colder and snowing out. Malcolm will have to figure that out soon. I don't want their little ears, or little feet to freeze. They are now both in one of the many doggie beds around. Sadie is covered up with her blanket, and Malcolm is a nester, turns and paws to get it just right. They are so cute. Malcolm has just watched Idamay go by, but doesn't get up to follow(sometimes he chases), naughty boy(just playful). Now it will be quiet for a bit. I should follow their lead and go back to bed and take a little old nap.

Today I really want to get in my art/craft room and organize. I have to make Christmas cards. Yupe, I now really have a reason to get in there. I have so much stuff in there, that it seems like an impossible task. Where do you move it all to. I don't know.

My son has some more child support problems going on and apparently they couldn't locate him to serve him papers for about three weeks, so baby #1 mom's contacted me for help. I called and gave them his current address. He doesn't have a phone right now because he can't afford any minutes, his problem not mine. Though I would like to talk to him about this, but I know that he won't come clean to me with all the facts. So this is better that I can't talk with him. If he doesn't show up for this next court date in person, there will be another state wide warrant out for his arrest. It is sad, because, right now he does have a job. If he is in jail, he can't work, no-show to work will probably mean they will fire him. At age 24 his life sure sucks. He made his choices, so he needs to deal with it. So since Thursday, I have had to wrap my brain around that and come to terms with the whole fucking situation he is continually in. I work so hard at not letting his drama affect my health and mental well being, but jesus christ, it is fucking hard to convince yourself to just let it go. A mom's role and is tough at times. Thursday night, I had a high blood pressure issue, because I was working myself up about all of this. I felt sick off and on at work. I felt off, my body didn't feel all that good. Of course I went to work because it does help my mind with its distractions. At least by going to work, I can keep my hands and mind busy with my tasks to do. You know that getting through this is most important, and having or wanting to do anything else, is just trivial. I have to stop being the "fixer," the making everything all right. It is all just money. I can't take it with me, and gee, I don't need to spend it on my husband or myself. My husband doesn't say much. So not saying anything, says volumes to me. My husband is tired of my son hurting me so deeply. Anyway, that has been my week so far. Monday afternoon, the clinic, got the results for both, and they are all fine. Thursday, got the e-mail about child support from baby #1's mom. She didn't know what else to do. Oh, my car's service engine light came on again on my drive home from work last night, and now it is colder and snowing. So it has been quite the varied and eventful week here for me. I still keep positive as best I can. I did tell my husband to forget my birthday and sending me flowers, that I didn't want to pretend for him that I am happy. I will have to pretend to be happy at work on Tuesday, so that I don't hurt other people's feelings when they wish me a happy birthday, and/or give my a gift. Happy, happy fucking what, I need to deal with my realities of life, and who the fuck cares, if it is my birthday. I am not in the mood for a birthday. I have to meet with my parents soon, and pretend. I sit and watch the three of them eat, sit there with the smells of the restaurant, and endure it. I am such a good daughter. It is for them, not me. Life is so much sometimes.