Wow, What a Recap.... (2007-10-18 - 5:44 a.m.)

This is going to be an unpleasant entry, but I need to write this down, so I can leave it here. I am almost 52 years old, and still dealing with issues concerning my parents. Here is a recap of the past two days.

While I was at work, my son called me. I was busy, as I usually am, and it isn't good to call me there because we can't really talk. He asked me to call him back when I got home from work. I asked him to tell me quickly what he needed to talk to me about. I knew it would be concerning the need for money. It usually is. He wanted to talk about going on to college again. I still don't know if he really even finished doing the on-line college classes he was taking. In a nutshell, he wants to get a loan, I don't even know if it is a student school loan. He knows that my husband and I won't co-sign a loan with him. He told me that he didn't have my parents e-mail address. Could I cut and paste a message he wrote to them on his myspace, and e-mail to them. I said that I would read it and then decide. In retrospect, I just wish that I didn't forward it to my parents. My son has been a disappointment to my parents. My parents have made it loudly known to me and my husband how unhappy they are about my son. My mother is constantly telling me that I have to guide my son better and help him about his futute. She says that I just don't seem to involved and that is the problem. My mother has said a number of times now, that my son is turning out just like his biolgical father. My parents didn't like him, and felt that he was a leech and still hasn't amounted to much. My mom said that they only hear from their grandson when he needs to be bailed out with money help. My parents are so into fucking control. Do what they want and say and then we will give you some money. When I pull your strings, you need to dance the way we want you to. I have grown up all my life like that. I don't need their money now, I haven't for years. Money can't buy love. I just wished that I hadn't forwarded that message to my parents. I should have given my son their e-mail address and let him do it. I can't get in between them anymore. So that call from my son came in the early afternoon at work.

My work day on Tuesday progressed, I was wrapping up my end of the day, and my gynecologist calls me. It had been 8 days since I had my pap smear and blood sample taken to see if I was in actual menopause. Well after 8 days of waiting for the fucking news, she calls. I am not in menopause and I was told that I need to make a period happen. Oh yeah, after over 200 and some days of no period, do you know how bad that will be. When I was at my appointment, I told this fucking doctor that I was having some spotting,etc. Apparently she didn't hear me tell her that. So they can't just go and give me provera or something. Now I have to go and get some cervical biopicies done. I am getting that next Wednesday at 12:45 pm start time. I am doing it during my vacation. They need to rule out some other serious problems before they could give me provera or something to start a period. This sucks. I have had this procedure done before and they found nothing, the only thing is, I can't remember what year that was. I have had to have a couple of d & c's done because my periods were so heavy. I will suggest that they just schedule a d & c just to get that lining out of me. I don't want to have to take any meds, with what I have been through, they don't like to give me anything unless they absolutely have to. So after talking with this doctor who didn't listen to me apparently. I hung up. I drove home and got upset for a bit about my stupid body that I live in, my psyche and soul are perfectly fine and happy. It sucks getting older.

So after I got past my pity party, I moved on and went to myspace to see what it was that my son wanted to forward to my parents. I read it, and cut and pasted it, and sent it off. I called my parents, my mom answered and I told her I e-mailed something from my son to them to read. She said they were eating, and would read it after their dinner. Well I didn't have to wait too long. My mom called, now I was upset already about my body and lack of period. This conversation with my mother just topped the cake. My mother started in on demeaning my son and me. My parenting skills, and lack of guidance and involvement, etc. She continued on with lots of questions, that I couldn't answer, I told her she needed to ask my son. As this was all going on, I thought to myself, that I shouldn't have sent this for him. I don't think that my parents should be involved. They are so into control, we will give you financial help if you do it our way. I wanted to hang up on my mother, but I knew that if I did, I would have to deal with the fallout from that. I was very upset, to say the least by now. In fact, I had my priorities reversed, I was more upset with my parents than my health for almost a day after talking with my mother. That is so wrong. I now realize that my health right now is more important. What is going on with my son, isn't life or death, so I shouldn't get so emotional sucked into it all. Isn't that excellent advice to myself, I must say that it is.

So as of last night, I gave up being all upset, realizing that I need to get to the answer about my health and period. I am going to ask the doctor to take another blood sample to check to see if I am in menopause again. They could have been an error in the blood test. I would think that you should double check.

Yesterday I left work at noon, because I had my six month dental cleaning and this time I got to get 4 x-rays. Yeah for me, no cavities, I just left the dentist office, $140.60 lighter. I then stopped to see one of my friends on the way back into Marshfield. Her and her husband live outside of Stratford, and I felt that it would be wrong, not to stop and say hi and visit for a bit. I told her about the last couple of days. She doesn't like my mother, she has told me this a few times. So I was glad I stopped to visit them for a bit, it helped to tell someone who really listens and cares alot about me, and doesn't judge me, she just listens, and gives me her thoughts. Then I left, went on down the road, got to Marshfield, and I stopped at Wal-Mart before I went home. The office kitty needed some more cat food, and since I will be gone on vacation next week, I thought I better take care of that for them. While I was at Wal-Mart I bought a few other items, of course, spending $40.00 in cash approximately. That was fun. Then I went home.

Got home early from work. I knew that I had to make some more organic chicken breasts so that I could have some protein to eat. Well my husband had just baked his chicken drumsticks with shak-n-bake in my 9 by 13 inch pan. Now I was planning on getting my chicken in the oven. He could have used the 9 by 9 inch glass baking dish. So I had to really work hard at getting the hard shake-n-bake off my 9 by 13 glass baking pan, so that I could make my meat. I was a bit miffed to say the least. So he says I am going to walk the dog. Good idea. So by the time he gets back, I have my meat baking and I started the load of colored clothes I needed to wash. That was what I needed to do on Wednesday night.

Thank heavens my mom or dad didn't e-mail me, and that my son had no myspace message for me to read. I don't really want to know what is going on because the words always hurt me what my mom and dad have to say about my son. Acceptance of someone and what you can't change is crucial here. My son can't be who they want him to be. I have accepted my son. I know that he is on his journey.