Had one of those annoying nights, you know where you toss and turn, flip and flop, just can't seem to find that sleep position while waiting to fall asleep. Hence, here I am, up super early this morning. When I finally checked the time, it was 4:09 am. The girls, Myla and Hannah per usual are always ready to get up and start their day whenever I get up. It is the together girls around here.
It has been super windy outside lately, and now it has been raining for I guess, 24 hours now. it will continue to rain off and on here again, all day. So I don't spend too much time outside because it just seems so very damp and cold. I don't know how other people can stand endless days of rain, over and over. I know that there are rainy seasons in different parts of the world. How do they keep their spirits up, and keep upbeat. I for myself do so much better when it isn't raining. Good to know, right?
I know you all are wondering about the state of my mind and the "Randy," thing. So I will write about it, why not, might as well. It has been a long year plus in time for me. My emotions have been high and low. I think that I am sad about it all most of the time. I wonder why I am still here, staying with him most of the time. I know the answer is: where would I go? I don't have anywhere to go. I know that I can't afford to leave even. So I am stuck here. There are sometimes when I look at him, that all I can see is what he and Stacey Chapman did. All those loving and touching endearments with her. I am screaming inside myself. Shame on him, just shame on him. I have always been here and loyal. I have started to wonder what my flaw is? Loving and caring too much. I just don't understand myself at times. This is the third time this has happened to me. I recall my dad saying to me that the third time is the charm. OK dad. I feel bad that Randy proved him wrong. I spend a lot of my time during each day taking care of Randy. Doing tasks, that make his life better. What has he done for me over the years. What was the reason, the why, he betrayed me? Why, oh why couldn't he talk to me about the situation before he cheated on me with another woman? I can't do the what if's, I don't do that, yet I long to know why he did, what he did. Themotional pain and trauma I feel sometimes is so overwhelming. I would cry everyday if something washes over and through my thoughts. It just seems like I have been trying to heal for an endless amount of time. Randy tells me he has hope. OK, so he has hope that I can still be with him. I guess that is enough digging around in my thoughts, and expressing them here. On to something else.
The birds are starting to come back up here from the South. The red winged blackbirds were first, then the robins are here. I am expecting to see the grosbeaks any day now. This morning since the ice sank in the channel, I heard peepers, those are frogs. It is 6:55 am now and the sky has lightened up a lot. I like to see that. I have a dentist appointment in April and oh boy, I go see my doctors at the clinic in April. Two trips off the Island which I don't really want to do, yet I do them to be healthy. Whatever.....right. Got to do what is good for myself sometimes. OK then, this is all I have for now. Peace.